Remembering Indiana

It’s been years since I’ve thought about Indiana. A very distant memory in the back of my mind. Most people when they think of Indiana is driving through it, fields and fields of corn, one of it’s biggest exports is limestone, the Indy 500. It’s all the popular images in peoples minds. The important things that it produces. The state itself is rather unremarkable. I remember a lot of flat land from the border of Illinois to Ohio. The sky was perpetually overcast. I remember a lot of long walks down the road following a newly plowed field and a horrible gray sky overhead. It was like following after a battle from world war one.

I would walk for miles to nowhere. Through winding suburban streets. Very rarely would I be hanging out with a friend. Usually I would be thinking alone. This was not a particularly happy time in my life. Neither was it completely devoid of Joy. Joy would sneak in through an unforeseen corner of reality. Things have happened. Mostly though I remember the lonely times, reading or writing or watching a movie. I also remember my exit from this state. The charade my father has put on for the entire family has finally crashed in upon itself. He was bankrupt and lost the house. We piled all our stuff in the middle of our rooms. I heard my sister crying. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow myself. I hated my father then. We lost everything and whatever we did have was saved by the relatives he has served to alienate over the years. We crammed ourselves into our grandmother’s house. Where I battled with depression and came to grips with G-d.

During my honeymoon, my wife suggested that we visit my old house. We went. I recognized it immediately driving down sapphire drive. The memories came back to me. All I could do was stand and stare. Remembering a time lost within a haze of confusion. This used to be a home to me. Now it’s just a house. The landscape is unfamiliar. Strip malls and housing developments are everywhere. There is a lot more traffic on the roads. This lonely place seems a lot lonelier now. We left as silently as we entered. Reminiscent of all those years ago, at least I have a real home to go back to.

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