Trailer for a new action movie.
Voice over man starts talking: This summer. Get ready for the most anticipating blockbuster thrill ride ever produced. He was just a cop in San Francisco readying for retirement.
Scene:Action Man fat bloated, barely fitting into his own pants. Leans back in his chair. A young rookie comes over to Action man.
Rookie: Your Henry Machete?
Action Man: That’s me.
Rookie:You’re a living legend around here. Is it true you thwarted a cocaine bust in the harbor using nothing but your bare hands to strangle all the cartel members to death after running out of bullets?
Action Man: It’s all true.
Rookie: Is it true you punched so hard you collapsed a man’s face.
Action Man: Yes
Rookie: Is it true you fought thirty ninjas at once and won?
Action Man: Yes
Rookie: Is it true…?
Action Man: All the stories are true. I made love to a hundred women to extract valuable info about the Russian mob and they showed up the next day at my house and we had another orgy and I got paid overtime. I drove one hundred twenty miles per hour through a sky scraper to catch Razario the jewel thief. I caught a bullet with my bare hands and threw it back so hard the persons head exploded. Anything you heard about me is true.
Rookie: I hope to be like you some day.
Action man: If you knew the cost. You wouldn’t be saying that.
scene: The police chief opens his office door.
chief: Machete! Get your ass in here!
Scene: action man wheezing heavily waddles his way into the chiefs office and plops himself in the chair
Chief: So you’re really going to do it this time?
Action Nan: Yep. I’m giving it up.
Chief: Retirement? Really? You’re not made for retirement. You’re made for action Henry.
Action Man: It’s time Chief. There’s no more bad guys to fight.
Chief: There’s plenty of bad guys to Fight Henry.
Action Man: Not for me. This cowboy is ready to ride into the sunset.
scene:Action Man puts his gun down on the chief’s desk with his badge. He shakes the chiefs hand.
Chief: It’s been an honor.
Action Man: Likewise. You take care chief.
scene: As he turns around action man trips on a shoe lace and falls to the floor. He face plants. His pants and underwear rip in half exposing his elephant like ass. He then lets out a loud and noxious fart. The chief in this scene ignores what is happening and is writing at his desk. Action Man rolls around trying to leverage himself up. His arms struggle under his immense girth. They shake widely. He pants red in the face. A giant purple vein throbbing in his forehead until he finally gets his pig like legs under him. And he limps out of the room.
Voice over man: He only wanted to settle down. and live a normal life again.
scene: Action man is in his house holding a picture of his dead wife. A tear comes down his face.
Voice over man: But one person would not let him.
scene: There is a knock at the door. Action man opens it. Standing in front of him is a younger version of himself.
Action man: Who are you?
Contra Action Man: I’m you.
Action man: What do you want?
Contra Action Man: I’m here to kick your ass!!!!
scene: Contra action man kicks Action Man right in the chest. Action man goes flying back and puts a hole in the wall. He can’t get out. (the budget was too small for them to cut this out so the director left it in) Contra action man is trying to get him out of the wall. He grabs his hand and pulls.
Action Man: Pull harder!!
Contra Action Man: I AM PULLING HARDER!!!!
Voice Over: This Summer Henry Machete The Action Man must face his greatest foe himself!
Scene: Many jump cuts of Action man walking with Contra action man following behind. He’s in his car and contra is following behind. He’s walking in a park. Contra is in a bush watching him with Binoculars. Action Man is ordering ice cream from an ice cream truck and he is holding up the line because he’s asking the ice cream man a lot of annoying questions. Contra Action Man is in the back of line waiting impatiently with everyone else looking annoyed at Action Man.
Action Man: I mean what kind of chocolate is it?
Ice Cream Man: Like I said it’s normal Chocolate. Nothing fancy.
Action Man: I mean is it Milk Chocolate? Is it Dark Chocolate? Salted? What are we Talking about here?
Ice Cream Man: It’s Just Chocolate.
Action Man: Can I see the menu.
Ice Cream: It’s on the side of the car. (he said exasperated)
Contra Action Man: Hurry up!!!! You’re holding up the line.
Action Man: I will take as much time as I need!
Everyone in the line sighs.
Voice Over: This Summer see the struggle of a lifetime that every man must win. The battle with himself.
Scene: They’re in action man’s living room sitting across each other in opposite Chairs.
Action Man: Like who are you? A Hallucination? A ghost? Are you a time traveling version of myself coming to warn me of something?
Contra Action Man: I’m you. That’s all you need to know.
Action Man: So you’ve come here just to beat me up?
Contra Action Man: I’m here to get you to reflect. Physically, psychologically spiritually. You’ve ruined yourself. Look at you! A fat waste of space a shell of your former glory.
Action Man: That’s easy for you to say. You’re young and good looking.
Contra Action Man: You’ve given up! I look the way I am b/c I haven’t given up. You’re making execuses.
Action Man: I’m not listening. la. la. la. la.
Scene: Contra action Man slaps Action man in the face.
Voice Over: This summer. The battle is inside.
Contra Action Man: You’re gotten fat because you hurt your leg. You put some weight on recovering and got discouraged by not looking the way you used to. You settled for how you look now. But you’re plagued by insecurities because you know you don’t measure up the standards you have set up for yourself.
Action Man:I’m not prepared to hear this.
Contra Action Man: It doesn’t matter. You need to hear this.
Action Man: This is hard.
Contra Action Man: You also haven’t fully grasped the death of your wife. And you can’t let go because you’re afraid of being alone. You are alone Henry. You convinced yourself that this is the new normal, but you’re dying for companionship. The hard truth is no woman would want you as you are. And you know that!!!
Action man: STOP!!
Contra Action Man: You’re a fat man baby! You used to fight ninjas on roof tops. You ran through buildings on fire to save people. Now you can barely put on your pants.
Action Man: No more! No More!
Contra Action Man: You must accept the truth! Otherwise you will be stuck like this and die fat and alone.
scene: Action man starts sobbing. Contra Action Man slaps him hard in the face.
Contra Action Man: Time to stop acting like a bitch!
Voice Over: This Summer. It’s going to get real like never befeore.
Scene: Action Man is doing push ups. He can barely do one before Contra action man makes him do it again. Fast montage of him jogging with Contra Action Man behind on a bicycle. Action Man is doing sit ups. He’s running after a chicken. He tries to eat a cheeseburger and Contra Action Man grabs it and throws it against the wall and replaces it with a salad.
Voice Over: This Summer. Action Man confronts his issues in Action Man: the Last Battle… Himself rated pg-13